On Tuesday night I went to a neighborhood Mom's group that has been in existence for decades called the Clifton Child Study. I went as a guest (I am not a member due to fact that it meets on the night my husband plays soccer) and was pleasantly surprised by the topic of discussion. The guest speaker was a marriage counselor and sex therapist.
Here are a few take-aways that motivated me to focus a bit on my marriage:
The numbers equation: in my own words, since I can't remember them exactly.
- Spend 2 minutes saying good-bye in the morning
- 5 minutes connecting when we see each other in the evening "how was your day...."
- 20 minutes at night or evening actually catching up with what went on in the day and your plans for the following day
- 2 hours a week on a date--no kids. This can be a walk, dinner, coffee, anything where your time is 100% devoted to each other, again, no kids around at all.
Men need to be respected, women cherished: Again in my own words. Both men and women think differently, so of course they have different needs. Men like to know their opinion counts, and you respect what they do. Women like to be touched, and feel like they are beautiful, and needed. Women also think it's sexy when a man does housework, and plays with the kids. Sure, this topic needs a lot more attention since there are hundreds of books written on the subject, but it's a start.
Marriage changes over time: The man that we married used to turn us on just by walking into the room--now we have to work to get in the mood for sex. This apparently is the norm. As mom's we spend so much time taking care of little children, that we really don't have the energy at the end of the day to give our spouse attention. As a group, we spent a lot of time on this topic--I guess we were surprised that this was so common.
The woman speaking suggested taking on the responsibility yourself to get into the mood after the kids are in bed. Whether it was taking a bath, lighting a candle, having a glass of wine--anything to take you out of the "Mommy" role. Don't make it your husband's job to relax you enough to say, "sex sounds like fun tonight." You owe it to yourself, your husband and your marriage to find the time and energy to have sex often. (Often defined as you wish.)
Stuntmom is a little out of sorts even using the "sex" word, so I hope this is enough of a recap for everyone. Sorry you missed the meeting, it was fun.