This can actually be pretty cool if I let it be. My husband and I, hearts broken open, are venturing out into the world as independents after fourteen years as partners. In our most recent interactions, we are being consistently supportive of one another. Last night, when I couldn’t turn off the tears, while going through the weekly transition of one of us moving in and the other moving out, he was a serene teacher. He reminded me of what my mind sometimes feels hell bent to ignore or forget: Everything is okay right now. Without letting the mind drift forward or back, everything is okay.
I was proud of my husband for making that statement, and for his serenity in dealing with the moment. In past stages of this marriage dissolution process, I have seen him choose to carry the burden of any pain I am going through in terms of “guilt” and “fault.” I have seen him inflate problems that may never be problems…how our kids will be affected by our separation, etc. And I have seen how it has taken him down into despair. Last night, he was doing none of this. His example is important because I can see so clearly how much peace comes from choosing not to inflate problems that may never be problems. We are walking such a similar path as we go our separate ways.
Nothing is a problem until someone chooses to make it one. Our minds make our problems. Last night, my emotional outburst was probably most influenced by two things: 1) I was having my period – I can’t deny that the time of month has a strong influence on me! And 2) I wanted to make a problem where there wasn’t one. It was actually harder for me to have my husband come to the house and seem peaceful and strong than it had been when he was struggling. On a certain level, tears are a power play. The ego part of me that was feeling bad could celebrate a little victory if my tears brought my husband down a notch. But they didn't, and I'm glad.
I think my husband and I both know that my tears are not about him, but are really about me. And that as is the case with all things, whether married or not, I am the one who can choose sadness or contentment in each moment. The last “tragedy” that we went through was one that we went through as a married couple. And it’s kind of neat that when I compare the two processes in my mind, I realize that they are not all that different from one another. We’re still talking, caring, and supporting. The only real difference is that at the end of that, we go our separate ways. Like friends do.
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